Christmas in Gulfport

After a long drive on the 21st, we made it to Gulfport at 3 in the morning, Levi and I met our nephew for the first time. Levi's sister and brother in law just moved back from Japan where Josh was stationed for the last few years.

Truxtin's first birthday

Some of the things we did while we in the south

I made Aunt Tammy's frosting for sugar cookies

And I thought Truxtin would like some on his binkie

Zach licked all the spoons 

Josh kept stealing the cookies before they were frosted 

This little man wants to be held, or is running around like crazy 

Irelynn getting the cookie cutters ready

Me helping Jacen 

Titus wanted to help too 

Reading the kiddos the Nativity story 

Decorating cookies for Santa 

Christmas morning see what Santa left 

Proof I was there 

My Father in Law is deployed right now, but he was able to FaceTime with us the whole morning. 

The big boys got nerf guns 

Levi and I took the two older ones to a park on the beach

Jacen wanted to see the water 

Add caption

 I was able to get some family photos while we there, this is the first time in years all three kids have been in one place.

Levi's sister's family 

Our niece and nephews 

Levi and his sister and brother 

This was one of my favorite shots of the day. Levi's mom and Truxtin 

NiNi and her three grandbabies 

Mom and her kids 

Kayleigh and Truxtin

Levi and I were going to leave in the 27th but I got sick and now we are heading back on the 29th

Denial

This whole "I don't want to start a serious work out program because I don't want to hurt a could be pregnancy" is a load of crap that I need to stop hiding behind. I weigh the same as when I started the biggest loser completion this fall. New year, new habits, new beginnings, new adventures. End mini rant.

Thankful 11-18

#11 For Sarabeth and Luke, our youth group co-leaders, with out them the group may have fallen apart.

#12 For all the men and women who have served, are serving, or will serve to protect the people of the United States of America.

#13 For books, they are my mini get aways when all I can afford is a library card. Ha ha ha.

#14 For seasons, for the first 18 years of my life I lived in states with one maybe two seasons. Now in Virginia I have been blessed to live in them all.

#15 For my grandma Cathy who took the time when I was young to teach me how to things like sew and have a love for all things craft. And that we still talk to each other at least once a week.

#16 for our new phones, I can now rely on Levi's phone to get my texts.

#17 for the National Zoo, a wonderful place the spend the day with two active little boys

# 18 the option to worship our Savior at home in the car at a movie theater or in a sanctuary.

Thankful 9 and 10

I am thankful for my husband who puts up with my crazy whims and spends a friday night shopping with me to make a mini portable photography studio and then spends the next day helping me make it.

wood that we stained 

Levi sanding the chest i got at the goodwill

Chopping down the base board 

An idea of how it looks 

Titus being the first subject 

an idea I am working on for my grandmas challenge 

I love love love Levi.
Of course there are many many many more reasons why I am thankful for my hubby, but those are just two examples for the last two days. 

November Thankful 6-7-8

I am thankful for my camera that my parents bought me my senior year of high school. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to live in places that most people will never live. 

I am thankful that my mother planted and cultivated the seeds for the love of reading and learning that I have. 

Thankful November 5

I am thankful technology. I now live almost 2,700 miles from my parents and brothers, but I still feel like part of the almost everyday happenings due to Facebook and Skype. And just this last weekend, I was able to see my youngest cousin (me being the oldest at 20 and him, grandchild number 15 at the age of 1) walk. I still wish I could see them in person, but this makes being a Navy wife that much easier. 

Thankful November 4

Today I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus and that he loves me enough to talk to me personally to show me the plans he has for me (and Levi).

Something huge was revealed to me today, but first I will tell you the back story. 

November is National Adoption Awareness Month and today is Orphan Sunday. The church Levi and I attend did a service specifically for Orphan Sunday. Needles to say I bawled the whole time. 

Now levi and I have talked about adoption before, but today, I just knew that we are supposed to.  It wont be tomorrow or even next year, but we will adopt someday. 

But then my mind went to the cost of an adoption and my heart sank. How would we ever be able to save enough to complete our family. But then a small voice said "photography". 

So from now on, all the money I make through my photography business BeautyBeingPhotography, will be placed in a special savings account so that someday, Levi and I will adopt a little one into our family the same way Jesus was adopted into the line of David by his earthly father Joseph.  

Please keep this in your prayers especially over the next year as we take the first steps towards this goal.  

Thankful November 3

Today I am thankful that we had our last Soccer game of the season! I loved our kids this season, and we only lost 1 game (but we don't keep score ;}). I am sad that we wont be here next year to coach soccer, I find it fun. 

Thankful November 2

Today I am thankful for my "more than bible study" group of ladies. 

Every Friday there is a group of 7-15 of us that get together eat some breakfast, drink some coffee, and talk about life. These women have been there to pray for me through some of the toughest times this past year.  They give me so much hope and inspiration.  

Thankful November 1

Today's thankful is a little silly, but I am thankful for modern medicine. This past weekend we babysat for two little guys both Saturday and Sunday. The 2 year old started to have a runny nose that quickly progressed from clear to green with a cough. Thanks to my mommy, and being a babysitter since I was 11 I knew how to help the little man. However, I have not been around sick kids in over a year and do not have my normal immunity that gets built up. Thus I am now sick. Scratchy throat, nasal drip and all. And this brings me back to I am thankful for all natural Vicks stuff, robitussin, and Motrin.

Blessings

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

This song has been popping up everywhere this week. 

Ok God I get it, you have plans. 

Your time not mine, your plans not mine.

Be Still

Have you ever been walking in a forest first thing in the morning while the fog is still lifting from the trails? 

If you haven't it is something that you need to experience at least once in your lifetime.

As I was walking one thing kept coming to mind. 

Be still and know that I am God. 

I will be exalted among the nations,

 I will be exalted in the earth. 

Psalms 46:10

Ok, so I was not just out for a stroll, I happened to be on the job. I had three teen age girls with me and I kept thinking, "How can I be still with three lively young ones?" And then it hit me, I can keep my mind still. My brain has been moving non stop since Monday. I needed to stay focused on the task at hand and not let my thoughts stray from one thing to another. So I did. 

I know that when you read this verse most start to contemplate our Father and what it means to be still in Him. But that was a little much for me today.

Instead I focused all my attention on Kaye, Maddy, and Ally. I did nothing but think of them. I did not think about how much IVF is.  I did not think about how much adoptions can cost. I did not think about how long it could be before I become a mom.

 No, I spent wonderful morning photographing three beautiful young women.

The Follow up.

Today we received devastating news. 

The specialist believes that the only way Levi and I will ever be able to conceive our own biological children is through In Vitro Fertilization.

I have done very little research into IVF but I do know that TriCare dose not cover it and in the United States, a cycle of in vitro fertilization costs approximately $10,000 to $15,000. Yes you read that right, per cycle, not "about how much before you get pregnant".

All of our test results came back within normal ranges. This lead the Dr. to believe that there is something that is keeping the sperm from fertilizing the egg. There is no test to see why this may be.

I really don't know what to think right now. I guess we will just pray for a miracle.

The Aisle of Uncertainty

My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Psalms 6:3 NIV

"I'll never forget one visit to the drugstore when I first identified the irony found on a familiar aisle. To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products, and to my left, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed.i wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? Is it possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes?"- Kathe Wunnenberg, Longing for a Child

Some women would never guess that there are others out there who dread going to get pads or tampons because it means that yet another month ( or in my case 103 days) has gone by and they are not there to get a stick that has a + on it that would make them happy beyond imagination.

I usually make Levi go and get things if I need them. I have gotten teary eyed (ok maybe sobbing is a better word) a few too many times in that aisle.

But what really sucks for me is the fact that I have such long cycles, and I test every 34 days "just to make sure" I don't want to do anything to put my baby in harms way. I can't even count on my hands how many negatives I have gotten now.

Sometimes I wonder what God is trying to teach me , what lesson haven't I learned yet, what are his plans for me, for us?

In the first weeks of October Levi and I will be going in for our follow up with the specialist. I am praying she will be able to give us hope, and let us know what our plan of action should be. With us more than likely moving in the begging part of next year, I know I won't be able to have this new doc for a whole pregnancy if I were to get pregnant and that makes me sad and apprehensive. It means I will have to start all over again with a new person who may not be as willing to listen to me like she is.

REALLY!

Can someone please explain to me how I can go from a 103 day cycle to a 15 day cycle!?! I do not understand my body.

First week of Sep

The last week has been long, but fun! When ever I am on my period I never feel like doing anything, but this last week, I promised a friend that I would drive her child to school until  his bus is set up. He is deaf and his school is about 35-45 minutes away depending on traffic. I have had a fun time finding music with deep bass to play while driving him, he puts his hand on the speaker and seems to enjoy in. 

At first I was bummed that I had to be up while the clock said 6, but I have found out that I get a better nights sleep. The day seems much longer, but I get more done. 

I, however, did not get as many work outs in as I wanted, but I still lost a pound.

On Thursday, I did a gender reveal photoshoot that was a blast! 

http://www.facebook.com/BeautyBeingPhotography

On Friday, I had my HSG. My tubes are all clear and my uterus is slightly slanted but almost all women have some type of slant. We have to go in an talk about all the test results and what not to see what our next step is.

Then there was Saturday. We had our first soccer game of the season and our kids won! These kids were on fire! 

And on Sunday we woke up and I needed to put a light sweater on to take Titus out. I was soooo excited and I'm praying that we will not go back to the 90's for the rest of this year! 

I hope everyone has an amazing week!!!

Finally!

After 103 days, aunt flow has come for a visit, and she does not seem happy to be here. I have been down for the count for most of today, which makes it hard for me to keep to my work out plan.

Along with that good news, I also lost 4 pounds last week and my partner lost 9, which means we lost 2.78% of our total weight. 

and this is what I look like when aunty is kicking my butt 

Biggest Loser

At my doc appointment the other week, she told me I needed to loses weight, not a drastic amount but enough to get my bmi in check.  Literally with in the next few days my Aunt announced that she would be starting a Biggest Loser Competition. I jumped on it! So here is my starting bio,

 I am 20 years old 5'5 and starting weight is 184lbs on aug 26th

Starting measurements

Chest: 42in

L bicep: 13in

R bicep: 13in

Waist: 40in

Hips: 43in

L thigh: 24in

R thigh: 24in

L calf; 16in

R calf: 16in

I also have a partner and our combined starting weight is in the 400's. We have until Dec to lose as much weight as we want. 

I find it comforting and encouraging to be in a group of 20 people trying to change our lives. We are all giving each other tips and encouragement to do our best. And what makes me the most proud, 6 of the 19 other competitors are related to me. 

Anxiety

On monday I have an appointtment to see a Reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist.

This is because my regular OB thinks I may have more than just PCOS issues going on. She also wants Levi to redo his sperm analysis because there was some type of abnormality, but we were never told that. 

Now, I have had anxiety issues since I was young. My parents had me tested for all kinds of things and it is one of the main reasons why my mother stated to Homeschool me. At the beginning of this week, things have started to run through my head. What if there is more wrong? What if I wont be able to carry pregnancy to full term?  Why? Now its almost an obsession and is all I can think about. And then I have this ache that starts in the pit of my stomach and then it feels like claws clamp around my heart and knocks the air out of my lungs.

 All I have ever wanted to be is a mom and be with children. I honestly don't remember ever wanting to be anything else. When you had to write the essays in elementary  school that asked what you wanted to be I always said a Mommy.

Now I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I may not have a little one from my own womb, but I guess I haven't. Now I am asking myself, "how far are we willing to go." Meaning, do I try different drugs? Do I have surgeries?  What about IVF or ICSE, with its high chance of high multiples? We have already discussed Adoption, but with that comes a whole other gamete of questions and anxieties. Do we want to be foster parents first? Do we want to adopt for the U.S or from another country? Are we open to special needs? Whats the age rang we would be ok with?

And then I see girls younger than me, not in committed stable marriages, who truly are not ready to be moms yet, but they one to get the blessings that they think is a curse or punishment. It hurts so much and its so hard not to be bitter. I try to see the miracle that is happening but it's soo hard sometimes.  And then that send my brain to places like, am I bad person? Have I done something wrong? Why is God keeping this from me? Am I supposed to be learning something? 

I feel like I have been groomed from such a young age to have my own kids, and I am just flabbergasted as to why it hasn't happened.

So I guess with all that rambling, I would like to ask for prayer on monday morning in the hours leading up to my appointment at 12:45 eastern time (thats 9:45 am for all my west coast readers) and then for the appointment. Keep my head clear and heart calm, that will be my thoughts process that morning. And to remember that whatever is said, it is not the end of the world and God has a plan.

BLURG

Today is cycle day 80. More than twice the average length for any normal women's cycle. 

I saw my ob last week, she referred me to a reproductive specialest. I was told that I would get a call form them to make and appointment within 2 working days. Here it is 5 working days later and nothing.  So I tried to call the women's health clinic and it would go to the recored message every time. I had to call the information desk and be transferred to actually talk to anyone. And then all they said they could do is to put a message in to have them call me back in the afternoon, which did not happen. 

I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down. Whats the next step?

In 16 days is our 2nd wedding anniversary, and not to make anyone cringe, but that means 2 years of unprotected sex, which makes me wonder if there is more than just my PCOS that is wrong with me. 

OVER IT

On Wednesday, I had a physical. I wanted to talk to my doctor about several things like my seasonal allergies that seem to be every season her in VA, getting new epi-pens, and getting put on metformin, among other things.
The Doc comes in and we start of with my PCOS. He told me that there is no way I was diagnosed with it my freshmen year of high school because I was still developing then. I told him to look up the ultrasounds I had done to see the cysts on the ovaries.
I then asked to be put on metformin, which is a drug used in PCOS patients to help regulate periods without contraceptions. He told me that the only way to regulate them was to be on birth control. I told him that I did not want to be on BC because at this moment I would like to have a child. He then told me that at 20 I should be worrying about other things.
This is when I asked for him to prescribe me the met then I would go talk to an OB as a follow up. Then I left. I didn't get my epis or my allergy meds.
I cried in the car on my way home and it was the first time in a very long time that I felt like someone was treating me like a child.
I have done hours of research and have talked to many many women who have PCOS and are on metformin. I did not just walk in there blinding asking for the stupid drug.
Every time I tried to explain why I wanted it he would cut me off.
Between this and not hearing from my obgyn, I am fed up and over it. I am going to be finding care outside of Quanticos system.
I have grown up a navy brat, and have never in the 18 years that I have been going to Navy clinics/hospitals been treated this bad.

Prayer

Lord, help me deal with the control issue that fuels my need to blame someone for my childlessness.Forgive me. I don't understand why you have allowed my circumstance and why you are not allowing me to have a child, but I know that you are good. You are sovereign. You are wise, compassionate, and merciful.Be my comfort in my question.Help me look beyond my questions and blame to you and to your blessing. 

Amen

~Longing for a Child

Fitness test 2

I did my two week fitness test for Insanity yesterday. I actually completed it this time so that means PROGRESS hahaha. But really, I passed all my previous records and I am down almost 8 pounds. Also over the weekend, I had 2 people ask me how much weight I had lost, not if I had, but how much.  This work out is crazy, but it is working and I'm only 2 weeks in! 

Long overdue

Memorial day weekend we headed out to West Virginia with our friends for a long weekend on the Cheat river. We had a blast! Here are photos in no particular order.

 

We were stopped for a very long time due to a head on collision on a one road street due to construction.

the guys got out and played a game of "trow rocks at trees and see how long it takes to hit one"

Titus had his head out almost the entire ride there 

yup it was 90

at 5:18 in the evening. 

We passed tons of old barns and farms.

Titus in the Sunset

RJ, master of the fire 

even the birds have a home at the campsite

Levi playing with Zoey

Little miss is just too cute 

On the last day we were there not even 45 minutes before we left, Mason was up in the playground and got stung over 7 times. poor kid. 

Cool rock 

The bathrom

Mason going for a ride with dad 

Ryan and his nephew 

Zoey with dad 

cousins 

down on the river

Auria loved to eat the sad. 

Titus splashing in the water, he wouldn't go in past his knees 

All the big kids, swam out to the rock 

Titus making sure Levi was ok 

Using my foot as a pilow 

Auria did not like the water 

more play time 

more beach time

we stayed in that camper 

the fire pit 

The guys going riding 

Even shelby got in on the riding. 

Cool little contraption they had that would swing over the fire 

Kasey and Auria 

playing with lights 

He did such a good job at being off leash all weekend 

Levi chopping some fire wood 

Yes they did burn a chair 

And man was it hot!

This was the first time I had ever seen lightning bugs. I made Levi catch them with me.

Nap time