The Aisle of Uncertainty

My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Psalms 6:3 NIV

"I'll never forget one visit to the drugstore when I first identified the irony found on a familiar aisle. To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products, and to my left, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed.i wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? Is it possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes?"- Kathe Wunnenberg, Longing for a Child

Some women would never guess that there are others out there who dread going to get pads or tampons because it means that yet another month ( or in my case 103 days) has gone by and they are not there to get a stick that has a + on it that would make them happy beyond imagination.

I usually make Levi go and get things if I need them. I have gotten teary eyed (ok maybe sobbing is a better word) a few too many times in that aisle.

But what really sucks for me is the fact that I have such long cycles, and I test every 34 days "just to make sure" I don't want to do anything to put my baby in harms way. I can't even count on my hands how many negatives I have gotten now.

Sometimes I wonder what God is trying to teach me , what lesson haven't I learned yet, what are his plans for me, for us?

In the first weeks of October Levi and I will be going in for our follow up with the specialist. I am praying she will be able to give us hope, and let us know what our plan of action should be. With us more than likely moving in the begging part of next year, I know I won't be able to have this new doc for a whole pregnancy if I were to get pregnant and that makes me sad and apprehensive. It means I will have to start all over again with a new person who may not be as willing to listen to me like she is.