Anxiety

On monday I have an appointtment to see a Reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist.

This is because my regular OB thinks I may have more than just PCOS issues going on. She also wants Levi to redo his sperm analysis because there was some type of abnormality, but we were never told that. 

Now, I have had anxiety issues since I was young. My parents had me tested for all kinds of things and it is one of the main reasons why my mother stated to Homeschool me. At the beginning of this week, things have started to run through my head. What if there is more wrong? What if I wont be able to carry pregnancy to full term?  Why? Now its almost an obsession and is all I can think about. And then I have this ache that starts in the pit of my stomach and then it feels like claws clamp around my heart and knocks the air out of my lungs.

 All I have ever wanted to be is a mom and be with children. I honestly don't remember ever wanting to be anything else. When you had to write the essays in elementary  school that asked what you wanted to be I always said a Mommy.

Now I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I may not have a little one from my own womb, but I guess I haven't. Now I am asking myself, "how far are we willing to go." Meaning, do I try different drugs? Do I have surgeries?  What about IVF or ICSE, with its high chance of high multiples? We have already discussed Adoption, but with that comes a whole other gamete of questions and anxieties. Do we want to be foster parents first? Do we want to adopt for the U.S or from another country? Are we open to special needs? Whats the age rang we would be ok with?

And then I see girls younger than me, not in committed stable marriages, who truly are not ready to be moms yet, but they one to get the blessings that they think is a curse or punishment. It hurts so much and its so hard not to be bitter. I try to see the miracle that is happening but it's soo hard sometimes.  And then that send my brain to places like, am I bad person? Have I done something wrong? Why is God keeping this from me? Am I supposed to be learning something? 

I feel like I have been groomed from such a young age to have my own kids, and I am just flabbergasted as to why it hasn't happened.

So I guess with all that rambling, I would like to ask for prayer on monday morning in the hours leading up to my appointment at 12:45 eastern time (thats 9:45 am for all my west coast readers) and then for the appointment. Keep my head clear and heart calm, that will be my thoughts process that morning. And to remember that whatever is said, it is not the end of the world and God has a plan.