Early Morning Visitor

At about 6:30 this morning Titus had to go out, so Levi got up to take him out ant I went to the bathroom. And low and behold, Aunt Flow came for her visit. I'm torn about her visit. On one hand, I can do more accurate calculations for this month, but on the other, it means no Halloween baby.  

So this month has some goals.

1. only one cup of coffee/tea a day

2. walking AT LEAST 30 mins everyday.

3.not to obsess over every little detail. 

4. and maybe cut back on sugar.

Ash Wednesday

According to the gospel, Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert before the beginning of his Ministry, during which he was greatly tempted by Satan.Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of this 40-day  period of prayer and fasting.

This story really starts when Jesus goes to see his cousin John the Baptist to be baptized. In Matthew 3:14 John is confussed and is trying to get Jesus to baptize him not the other way around. But Jesus says, 

“Let it be so now; it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness.” Then John consented.

And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” Matthew 3:15 and 17

 The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”  Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry. Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone.’” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’” The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written: The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, “I will give you all their authority and splendor; it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. If you worship me, it will all be yours.” “‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;they will lift you up in their hands,  Jesus answered, “It is said: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time. Luke 4:1-13

It is comforting to know that Jesus made his proclamation of faith by being baptized and then was tempted in many of the same ways we are. We too need to be reborn, and then we are tested.

 Starting today, Ash Wednesday, a lot of people will be "giving" something up for lent. This is supposed to prepare our hearts for Easter and all the significance and promise that that Sunday holds. 

However some people play it safe and do something that really isn't all that hard to give up. The whole point of this is to pass over something that has its claws caged around us and is holding us back from our time with our Abba. It's supposed to be something that truly makes you think and hurt. 

This year I'm doing two things, food not made in my house, and secular music. I decided on the food because I find myself getting little things that I don't really need(like ice cream shakes or twix) Or saying, you know what, the dollar menu at McD's is sounding good. 

And secular music, I find that most songs now a days have no relevance to what I need to be hearing. I'm not mad at my boyfriend, I don't have a broken heart, and I don't need to listen to all the innuendos and foul language. I feel like when I listen to the radio I'm just filling my head with things that have no place there, yet I can't stop listening. 

My prayer for everyone who is participating in Lent, is that they really pray about what they are giving up. This is not a fad. You won't get anything out of it if your heart is not in it. 

Short little treck

Yesterday we headed out to Prince william for the first time in a while. It was warmish and hadn't raind in a day so we were hoping it wouldn't be too muddy. 

We recently bought Titus a Halti, he is still getting used to it 

We hiked down to the "river"  but it was a little chilly to stick our toes in like we did last time

There was a TON of fallen trees 

Levi was trying to convince Titus to go for a swim.

We are the bad people who let our dog off leash. He is too afraid of everything to go more than 5 feet from us.

our attempt at a group shoot.

take 2 

getting some love

I love this bridge, its one of many in this park.

Titus only put his toes in, I think we scared him when we dropped in over his head when he was little.

My Top 5

The top 5 questions I get asked, in no particular order 

1. How old are you?

2. You got married at what age?

3.Were you knocked up?

4.Do you plan on having kids?

5.Well have you tried this?

and no this is not the whole list, just the most often asked

Yes I was married at 18, no I wasn't "knocked" up, and I would love more than anything in the world to have a child. 

I can usually handle the age questions no problem. I mean is it not the norm to get married at such a young age without such a drastic motive behind it. I just love him, isn't that enough? 

but when they start asking about our plans to have babies it gets harder to keep a smile on my face. I really don't want to throw my infertility  into anyones face and make them feel horrible for all the questions about children. Sometimes I just say oh ya we want them sometime in the future, or ya just not at the moment. Levi just responds with we are trying. 

It really bugs me is when people start telling me how they got pregnant.  I mean it's awesome that they were blessed with clockwork cycles and know the exact day they ovulate. But as much as they like to think they are helping, I have PCOS. I have never had a regular period. Even when I was on the pill I would skip one or two periods. There is no such thing as "perfect" timing for me.  And no, I don't want to stand on my head or do a back bend for 30 minutes. 

BUT what I find really annoying is when people say " your young, you have plenty of time." But what happens if I do just wait. When is the right time to start trying? I know of people who have been trying for years and years. 

And then there is the, just adopt approach. Thats all find and dandy, and truly I have no opposition to adopting.  I have even looked into it. Most agencies will not adopt to anyone under 30. I do not want to wait 10 years. I know that I might have to, but I don't want to. 

At this point in time, I am on cycle day 23. I had blood drawn on monday, but have not been called by the doc to say what he results are. I am "supposedly"in what is called by others the 2 week wait.  Thats if my body decides to be somewhat normal. Aunt Flow should be here at the beginning of next week. I'm not sure if I will be happy or sad to see her. If she comes it means my body is working right, but it also means I'm not pregnant. 

ok end rant. 

I cam across this and cried http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Sometimes, I have a really hard time waiting. Sometimes it's as silly as waiting for the light to turn green or for Titus to find that perfect place to lift his leg when its freezing outside. 

But Right now I am having a hard time waiting to see if the meds I was put on will work. I know that the Provera worked, Aunt Flow came for her visit. But now I have to wait for almost a month to see if the clomid worked. I'm really hoping it worked, I mean I had almost all the side effects while taking it for the 5 days. But what really bugs me the most is knowing that I will more than likely have to go through this process for a few more cycles/months, which equals more waiting.  

Someone posted this poem on a blog I read and I started to cry. I need to remember that I need to go to Him first. I always follow my own train of thoughts with out saying a prayer. How different would my life be if I gave more to God? Should I just be thankful I have a roof over my head? Is He telling me I'm not ready when I truly think I am? So I just re-read this poem a lot, along with bible verses, to try and learn that waiting could be a good thing. 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; 
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. 
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . 
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. 
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 


"My future and all to which I relate 
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? 
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, 
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, 
We need but to ask, and we shall receive. 
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, 
As my Master replied again, "Wait." 
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, 
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . 
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. 
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. 
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. 
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. 
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. 
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."