Biggest Loser

At my doc appointment the other week, she told me I needed to loses weight, not a drastic amount but enough to get my bmi in check.  Literally with in the next few days my Aunt announced that she would be starting a Biggest Loser Competition. I jumped on it! So here is my starting bio,

 I am 20 years old 5'5 and starting weight is 184lbs on aug 26th

Starting measurements

Chest: 42in

L bicep: 13in

R bicep: 13in

Waist: 40in

Hips: 43in

L thigh: 24in

R thigh: 24in

L calf; 16in

R calf: 16in

I also have a partner and our combined starting weight is in the 400's. We have until Dec to lose as much weight as we want. 

I find it comforting and encouraging to be in a group of 20 people trying to change our lives. We are all giving each other tips and encouragement to do our best. And what makes me the most proud, 6 of the 19 other competitors are related to me. 

Anxiety

On monday I have an appointtment to see a Reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist.

This is because my regular OB thinks I may have more than just PCOS issues going on. She also wants Levi to redo his sperm analysis because there was some type of abnormality, but we were never told that. 

Now, I have had anxiety issues since I was young. My parents had me tested for all kinds of things and it is one of the main reasons why my mother stated to Homeschool me. At the beginning of this week, things have started to run through my head. What if there is more wrong? What if I wont be able to carry pregnancy to full term?  Why? Now its almost an obsession and is all I can think about. And then I have this ache that starts in the pit of my stomach and then it feels like claws clamp around my heart and knocks the air out of my lungs.

 All I have ever wanted to be is a mom and be with children. I honestly don't remember ever wanting to be anything else. When you had to write the essays in elementary  school that asked what you wanted to be I always said a Mommy.

Now I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I may not have a little one from my own womb, but I guess I haven't. Now I am asking myself, "how far are we willing to go." Meaning, do I try different drugs? Do I have surgeries?  What about IVF or ICSE, with its high chance of high multiples? We have already discussed Adoption, but with that comes a whole other gamete of questions and anxieties. Do we want to be foster parents first? Do we want to adopt for the U.S or from another country? Are we open to special needs? Whats the age rang we would be ok with?

And then I see girls younger than me, not in committed stable marriages, who truly are not ready to be moms yet, but they one to get the blessings that they think is a curse or punishment. It hurts so much and its so hard not to be bitter. I try to see the miracle that is happening but it's soo hard sometimes.  And then that send my brain to places like, am I bad person? Have I done something wrong? Why is God keeping this from me? Am I supposed to be learning something? 

I feel like I have been groomed from such a young age to have my own kids, and I am just flabbergasted as to why it hasn't happened.

So I guess with all that rambling, I would like to ask for prayer on monday morning in the hours leading up to my appointment at 12:45 eastern time (thats 9:45 am for all my west coast readers) and then for the appointment. Keep my head clear and heart calm, that will be my thoughts process that morning. And to remember that whatever is said, it is not the end of the world and God has a plan.

BLURG

Today is cycle day 80. More than twice the average length for any normal women's cycle. 

I saw my ob last week, she referred me to a reproductive specialest. I was told that I would get a call form them to make and appointment within 2 working days. Here it is 5 working days later and nothing.  So I tried to call the women's health clinic and it would go to the recored message every time. I had to call the information desk and be transferred to actually talk to anyone. And then all they said they could do is to put a message in to have them call me back in the afternoon, which did not happen. 

I keep giving them chances and they keep letting me down. Whats the next step?

In 16 days is our 2nd wedding anniversary, and not to make anyone cringe, but that means 2 years of unprotected sex, which makes me wonder if there is more than just my PCOS that is wrong with me. 

OVER IT

On Wednesday, I had a physical. I wanted to talk to my doctor about several things like my seasonal allergies that seem to be every season her in VA, getting new epi-pens, and getting put on metformin, among other things.
The Doc comes in and we start of with my PCOS. He told me that there is no way I was diagnosed with it my freshmen year of high school because I was still developing then. I told him to look up the ultrasounds I had done to see the cysts on the ovaries.
I then asked to be put on metformin, which is a drug used in PCOS patients to help regulate periods without contraceptions. He told me that the only way to regulate them was to be on birth control. I told him that I did not want to be on BC because at this moment I would like to have a child. He then told me that at 20 I should be worrying about other things.
This is when I asked for him to prescribe me the met then I would go talk to an OB as a follow up. Then I left. I didn't get my epis or my allergy meds.
I cried in the car on my way home and it was the first time in a very long time that I felt like someone was treating me like a child.
I have done hours of research and have talked to many many women who have PCOS and are on metformin. I did not just walk in there blinding asking for the stupid drug.
Every time I tried to explain why I wanted it he would cut me off.
Between this and not hearing from my obgyn, I am fed up and over it. I am going to be finding care outside of Quanticos system.
I have grown up a navy brat, and have never in the 18 years that I have been going to Navy clinics/hospitals been treated this bad.

Prayer

Lord, help me deal with the control issue that fuels my need to blame someone for my childlessness.Forgive me. I don't understand why you have allowed my circumstance and why you are not allowing me to have a child, but I know that you are good. You are sovereign. You are wise, compassionate, and merciful.Be my comfort in my question.Help me look beyond my questions and blame to you and to your blessing. 

Amen

~Longing for a Child

Fitness test 2

I did my two week fitness test for Insanity yesterday. I actually completed it this time so that means PROGRESS hahaha. But really, I passed all my previous records and I am down almost 8 pounds. Also over the weekend, I had 2 people ask me how much weight I had lost, not if I had, but how much.  This work out is crazy, but it is working and I'm only 2 weeks in! 

Long overdue

Memorial day weekend we headed out to West Virginia with our friends for a long weekend on the Cheat river. We had a blast! Here are photos in no particular order.

 

We were stopped for a very long time due to a head on collision on a one road street due to construction.

the guys got out and played a game of "trow rocks at trees and see how long it takes to hit one"

Titus had his head out almost the entire ride there 

yup it was 90

at 5:18 in the evening. 

We passed tons of old barns and farms.

Titus in the Sunset

RJ, master of the fire 

even the birds have a home at the campsite

Levi playing with Zoey

Little miss is just too cute 

On the last day we were there not even 45 minutes before we left, Mason was up in the playground and got stung over 7 times. poor kid. 

Cool rock 

The bathrom

Mason going for a ride with dad 

Ryan and his nephew 

Zoey with dad 

cousins 

down on the river

Auria loved to eat the sad. 

Titus splashing in the water, he wouldn't go in past his knees 

All the big kids, swam out to the rock 

Titus making sure Levi was ok 

Using my foot as a pilow 

Auria did not like the water 

more play time 

more beach time

we stayed in that camper 

the fire pit 

The guys going riding 

Even shelby got in on the riding. 

Cool little contraption they had that would swing over the fire 

Kasey and Auria 

playing with lights 

He did such a good job at being off leash all weekend 

Levi chopping some fire wood 

Yes they did burn a chair 

And man was it hot!

This was the first time I had ever seen lightning bugs. I made Levi catch them with me.

Nap time