The Aisle of Uncertainty

My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? Psalms 6:3 NIV

"I'll never forget one visit to the drugstore when I first identified the irony found on a familiar aisle. To my left I saw rows of feminine hygiene products, and to my left, pregnancy test. I was outraged, yet I laughed.i wanted to talk to the store manager about product placement and marketing sensitivity, but I didn't. Instead, I stood in limbo, in the middle of two product extremes, for me representing life or death, pregnant or not, yes or no, hope or dread. Did the center of the aisle represent maybe? Maybe? Is it possible to live in limbo-in the same aisle, but between two completely different outcomes?"- Kathe Wunnenberg, Longing for a Child

Some women would never guess that there are others out there who dread going to get pads or tampons because it means that yet another month ( or in my case 103 days) has gone by and they are not there to get a stick that has a + on it that would make them happy beyond imagination.

I usually make Levi go and get things if I need them. I have gotten teary eyed (ok maybe sobbing is a better word) a few too many times in that aisle.

But what really sucks for me is the fact that I have such long cycles, and I test every 34 days "just to make sure" I don't want to do anything to put my baby in harms way. I can't even count on my hands how many negatives I have gotten now.

Sometimes I wonder what God is trying to teach me , what lesson haven't I learned yet, what are his plans for me, for us?

In the first weeks of October Levi and I will be going in for our follow up with the specialist. I am praying she will be able to give us hope, and let us know what our plan of action should be. With us more than likely moving in the begging part of next year, I know I won't be able to have this new doc for a whole pregnancy if I were to get pregnant and that makes me sad and apprehensive. It means I will have to start all over again with a new person who may not be as willing to listen to me like she is.

Anxiety

On monday I have an appointtment to see a Reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist.

This is because my regular OB thinks I may have more than just PCOS issues going on. She also wants Levi to redo his sperm analysis because there was some type of abnormality, but we were never told that. 

Now, I have had anxiety issues since I was young. My parents had me tested for all kinds of things and it is one of the main reasons why my mother stated to Homeschool me. At the beginning of this week, things have started to run through my head. What if there is more wrong? What if I wont be able to carry pregnancy to full term?  Why? Now its almost an obsession and is all I can think about. And then I have this ache that starts in the pit of my stomach and then it feels like claws clamp around my heart and knocks the air out of my lungs.

 All I have ever wanted to be is a mom and be with children. I honestly don't remember ever wanting to be anything else. When you had to write the essays in elementary  school that asked what you wanted to be I always said a Mommy.

Now I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I may not have a little one from my own womb, but I guess I haven't. Now I am asking myself, "how far are we willing to go." Meaning, do I try different drugs? Do I have surgeries?  What about IVF or ICSE, with its high chance of high multiples? We have already discussed Adoption, but with that comes a whole other gamete of questions and anxieties. Do we want to be foster parents first? Do we want to adopt for the U.S or from another country? Are we open to special needs? Whats the age rang we would be ok with?

And then I see girls younger than me, not in committed stable marriages, who truly are not ready to be moms yet, but they one to get the blessings that they think is a curse or punishment. It hurts so much and its so hard not to be bitter. I try to see the miracle that is happening but it's soo hard sometimes.  And then that send my brain to places like, am I bad person? Have I done something wrong? Why is God keeping this from me? Am I supposed to be learning something? 

I feel like I have been groomed from such a young age to have my own kids, and I am just flabbergasted as to why it hasn't happened.

So I guess with all that rambling, I would like to ask for prayer on monday morning in the hours leading up to my appointment at 12:45 eastern time (thats 9:45 am for all my west coast readers) and then for the appointment. Keep my head clear and heart calm, that will be my thoughts process that morning. And to remember that whatever is said, it is not the end of the world and God has a plan.

Uhg

Day 59 here, I still haven't been able to get ahold of the doc.

Tomorrow Levi has an appointment at the hospital, I will be going with him so I can go and talk with the receptionest. I would have done this sooner, but the hospital is a 45 minute drive on a good day. We have decided that If I'm not pregnant by June, we will take a break until the new year. We will moving sometime in the early summer of 2013 and I don't want to have the added stress of have a tiny baby or being in my 3rd trimester. If we do have to take the break, I plan on losing as much weight as possible to see if that is one of the reasons I am having issues. 

It's been a hard week for me trying to come with terms that this is going to be really hard. I knew it was going to be, but I thought that I would be lucky and have it only take a few tries like with a lot of people I know.  I mean, I have know about my PCOS for years so I had a head start compared to a lot of women who only find out about it because of their inability to conceive. 

I keep trying to remind myself that I am young and my time will come, I pray for the patience and faith of Rachel, Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, and Samson's mother. I try to take comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this struggle, but it's still really hard.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

PCOS

I have no idea why, but I have been compelled over the last few days to write about this. I have never kept the fact that I have PCOS a secret. But still, It's one thing just to say it in passing and another to put it out there on a blog for the whole web to see. 

For those of you who don't know, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS, is a hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. Both chicks and dudes produce sex hormones, but in different amounts. In girls, the ovaries produce the hormones estrogen and progesterone, and also androgens. These hormones regulate a girl's menstrual cycle and ovulation. Even though androgens are sometimes referred to as "male hormones," every female produces them.In girls with PCOS, the ovaries produce higher than normal amounts of androgens, and this can interfere with egg development and release. I am not the only one in my family who has this syndrome. However, studies have not been able to conclude that it is hereditary. 

 The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder to have enlarged and containing small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary. I had ultra-sounds done while I was in high school and do, in fact, have cysts on my ovaries.

Some other conditions of PCOS are infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity. I only remember having a handful of periods (while not on birth control) in my whole life. 

Sometime in my sophomore year my mom had a bunch of different tests done on me. It was then that I was diagnosed and was prescribed birth control to regulate my periods.

 Now this is embarrassing, but I have been having "excess" hair growth since I turned teen(around the same time I had my first period). Mostly on my legs and on my belly under my belly button. If I want perfectly smooth legs, I would have to shave twice a day. I have recently started to notice darker hair under my chin.

 I have been blessed beyond belief with absolutely no acne. Sure I get a zit or two, but never have I ever broken out with tons of them.

 I was also lucky in my younger and teenage life to have parents who liked to keep me active and showed me how to eat right. I'm not saying we were health nuts, but we ate better than most due to my moms PCOS and my dads high everything.

 Since I have moved out of my parents house (with all the yummy food and people who kept me healthy), no longer have my nanny gig, or work at the ice rink. I have gained enough weight to be considered obease.

 That is right, at 5 foot 4 inches the last time I was on a scale I weighed 175lbs.(Levi says I need to subtract a few lbs for my boobs, that always makes me laugh)  Now, I am trying to get more active and started to get back to a more "strict" diet. But it's hard when you don't have people around you to help keep you in line.  I am now  pre-diabetic.

When Levi and I got married I was still on the pill until after he graduated from bootcamp. This means that I have been off of it for a year almost to the day.(his grad date was 1-14-11) This also means that I have only had 1 period   off of the pill. 

Now some women out there would think "whoo-hoo! only 1 a year yippee!" But, by not having the monthly "cleanse" I am more likely prone to blood clots.

Also it kinda puts a damper on the whole baby making thing. Some people will say I am still too young to be thinking about baby making, sure maybe I am a little at 20, but I have always wanted to be a younger mom. I grew up with young parents and loved the fact that they were always there and could participate in everything I was doing. And I want my parents to be able to keep up with my kids.  Also, I know that it could take years to get pregnant. My mother had me at 16. Then it took her 7 years to conceive my brother and she ended up needing "help" with that. 

So in December I had a ton of test done to my blood, all supporting the fact that I do indeed have PCOS. An then at the beginning of this month, I went to see an OBGYN. She told me that it would be stupid to wait if I was ready to have a baby. She gave me a Rx for Provera and Clomid. The Provera forces my body to have a period. The Clomid forces my body to ovulate. Now that might seem to be a pretty easy equation to make a baby, but there is so much more that goes on and I don't really understand all of it. I do know that in April, if I have not yet gotten pregnant, I will be going in for more test to make sure its not just the PCOS that is keeping me from conciving. And at that point, Levi will also have to have testing done to make sure he is not the issue. I have to take Provera for 10 day ( I only have 2 days left of this and have every side effect listed.) Then wait for Aunt Flow which could take up to two weeks to show. On cycle days 5-9 I take the clomid. On day 21 I have to go have blood drawn. Then I wait to see if I have another period. 

So now it is all out there for everyone to see. We have just started our journey that soo many couples have been on before us. I have no idea why I needed to write this. I have never planned to share things like this on our blog, I don't even know how many people read it. But maybe someone out there needs to see it.