My Top 5

The top 5 questions I get asked, in no particular order 

1. How old are you?

2. You got married at what age?

3.Were you knocked up?

4.Do you plan on having kids?

5.Well have you tried this?

and no this is not the whole list, just the most often asked

Yes I was married at 18, no I wasn't "knocked" up, and I would love more than anything in the world to have a child. 

I can usually handle the age questions no problem. I mean is it not the norm to get married at such a young age without such a drastic motive behind it. I just love him, isn't that enough? 

but when they start asking about our plans to have babies it gets harder to keep a smile on my face. I really don't want to throw my infertility  into anyones face and make them feel horrible for all the questions about children. Sometimes I just say oh ya we want them sometime in the future, or ya just not at the moment. Levi just responds with we are trying. 

It really bugs me is when people start telling me how they got pregnant.  I mean it's awesome that they were blessed with clockwork cycles and know the exact day they ovulate. But as much as they like to think they are helping, I have PCOS. I have never had a regular period. Even when I was on the pill I would skip one or two periods. There is no such thing as "perfect" timing for me.  And no, I don't want to stand on my head or do a back bend for 30 minutes. 

BUT what I find really annoying is when people say " your young, you have plenty of time." But what happens if I do just wait. When is the right time to start trying? I know of people who have been trying for years and years. 

And then there is the, just adopt approach. Thats all find and dandy, and truly I have no opposition to adopting.  I have even looked into it. Most agencies will not adopt to anyone under 30. I do not want to wait 10 years. I know that I might have to, but I don't want to. 

At this point in time, I am on cycle day 23. I had blood drawn on monday, but have not been called by the doc to say what he results are. I am "supposedly"in what is called by others the 2 week wait.  Thats if my body decides to be somewhat normal. Aunt Flow should be here at the beginning of next week. I'm not sure if I will be happy or sad to see her. If she comes it means my body is working right, but it also means I'm not pregnant. 

ok end rant. 

I cam across this and cried http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Wait by Russell Kelfer

Sometimes, I have a really hard time waiting. Sometimes it's as silly as waiting for the light to turn green or for Titus to find that perfect place to lift his leg when its freezing outside. 

But Right now I am having a hard time waiting to see if the meds I was put on will work. I know that the Provera worked, Aunt Flow came for her visit. But now I have to wait for almost a month to see if the clomid worked. I'm really hoping it worked, I mean I had almost all the side effects while taking it for the 5 days. But what really bugs me the most is knowing that I will more than likely have to go through this process for a few more cycles/months, which equals more waiting.  

Someone posted this poem on a blog I read and I started to cry. I need to remember that I need to go to Him first. I always follow my own train of thoughts with out saying a prayer. How different would my life be if I gave more to God? Should I just be thankful I have a roof over my head? Is He telling me I'm not ready when I truly think I am? So I just re-read this poem a lot, along with bible verses, to try and learn that waiting could be a good thing. 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; 
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. 
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . 
And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. 
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 


"My future and all to which I relate 
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? 
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, 
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. 


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, 
We need but to ask, and we shall receive. 
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, 
As my Master replied again, "Wait." 
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, 
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . 
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. 
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. 
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. 
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. 
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. 
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Hush Little Puppy

How did my puppy go from this 

To this

Yes that is Titus stretching all 95 LBS of himself across the entire bottom half of our bed.

Tonight I said enough is enough, no more sleeping in our bed. Not only is he far to big but I am ALLERGIC to him. And he is only halfway grown. 

We started off by heading up to bed a little earlier than usual, he was so confused.  He whined for almost a half an hour then I took him out, brought him back upstairs laid him on his bed and told him that that is where he needed to stay. He then whined for another half an hour. Levi was able to fall asleep to it. I just ignored him. Right after 11 he gave up and went to his bed. I hope he makes it all night.

 He was just up and moving, all he did was get a drink walked around the bed, saw that I was still up looked at me with those big beautiful puppy brown eyes, then went back to his bed with a humpf.

 Yes my dog has an attitude. But when you own a Great Dane you have to make sure it stays in check. I have been letting Levi let Titus get away with far to much. At 9 months old Titus can put his feet on Levi's shoulders (who is 6 feet) and kiss him right on the nose. He really is a gentle giant, but he gets excited and cannot control himself sometimes. 

So we have taken our first steps. We will start being more strict with him. No more sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed, no more getting on the couch, no more eating throughout the day, and no more jumping, even if daddy wants hugs. 

For some reason I feel like the bad guy, but someone has to enforce the rules.

*We did not make it all night. Levi let him up at 1:49

Ramblings

You know when you are just sitting there with nothing really on your mind and things just pop up? I was just going through my twitter feed when Diet Coke was mentioned. It got me to thinking that I haven't had one in FOREVER.  And then my mouth started to water just thinking about having one. 

Last year for Lent, I gave up anything carbonated.  Since then I have done a fairly good job at not drinking it. Only at restaurants and what not. But even when out to eat I usually get some type of lemonade. I do however keep Ginger ale in my house. A 12 pack will last both me and Levi over 3 weeks. Now if that were Diet Coke, it would be gone in a mater of days with just me drinking it. 

This got me to think about my mom who would have a 24/7 IV of Dr.Pepper if there were such a thing. And this in turn got me to thinking about all Dr.Pepper she drank while pregnant and breast-feeding both my brothers and myself. Since I have been reading pretty much anything and everything that you ever need to know about having a healthy pregnancy, I was wondering if her drinking so much DP had any type of effects on us. 

I had really bad anxiety while I was younger. I would literally worry myself into migraines in the 2nd grade. Once I started with homeschooling, there was a drastic decrease of those. I still have bad anxiety but I now know my triggers. I can avoid some of them, but others not so much. 

My middle brother has ADHD. At least that is what they thought when he was 4. Sometimes I think he leans more to the higher functioning autistic spectrum  more than anything else. But I'm not a doctor and who am I to say anything. 

My baby brother had to have speech therapy. I think he's the most normal of the three of us. But still I was wondering if they could all be connected to the caffeine intake my momma had while we were in her. And if it can be, should I cut out all caffeine now, while I'm trying to have a baby? I know that there are all kinds of studies out there about this, but a lot of them disagree. Some say it's totally fine others say none at all. And then there are some that say only a certain amount.  

SHEESH

Sometimes I wonder if I should just blacklist everything out there and just listen to my body. But my body is messed up. Can I really listen to it when it can't even tell itself to act the way it should? The way I see it, I will take my prenatal, eat as healthily as possible, and pray for the best.

and all this because someone mentioned Diet Coke, which I might make Levi go get me from McD's. 

Sanctity of Life Sunday

Today is Sanctity of Life Sunday, and I know this is a touchy subject for a lot of people.

 I am pro-life. 

I might step on a few toes here but the way I see it, most (NOT ALL!!!!) but a percentage of abortions are because people don't think before they act. They are only living in the here and now. And then a few weeks later they miss Aunt Flow and head on over to a Planned Parenthood.

 I understand that this is not always the case. I, in fact, know women who have been raped and still chose to keep their babies if not for themselves but for another women who cannot have her own. 

The sad thing is how accepted abortion is today. It seems to be the first thought for teenage girls in an unfortunate circumstance.

 Both my mother-in-law and my own mommy had babies and a young age. And I'm not saying that the thought never crossed their minds, but it makes me think about how different this world would would be if they had made a different choice. My sister-in-law would not be here and have her 3 beautiful babies. And I would not be here, typing this. 

As much as I hate it, I to some degree, understand the women who were victims wanting nothing to to with a baby  that seems to be there only to remind them of such a horrific experience. But the sadness I feel for the terminated baby always outweighs my understanding  for the mom. That baby will never have a first smile, a first laugh, a first step, graduate, or become a parent. There are THOUSANDS of women who will never be able to conceive or carry a baby to full term, who are praying for babies of their own to love hold and to cherish all of the firsts.

Every single baby that is placed in this world is a gift from God, and every heartbeat that stops before its time should be mourned and we should pray from the moms to see their sin and that they may come to Jesus, because only through him will their wrong be forgiven. 

PCOS

I have no idea why, but I have been compelled over the last few days to write about this. I have never kept the fact that I have PCOS a secret. But still, It's one thing just to say it in passing and another to put it out there on a blog for the whole web to see. 

For those of you who don't know, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS, is a hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. Both chicks and dudes produce sex hormones, but in different amounts. In girls, the ovaries produce the hormones estrogen and progesterone, and also androgens. These hormones regulate a girl's menstrual cycle and ovulation. Even though androgens are sometimes referred to as "male hormones," every female produces them.In girls with PCOS, the ovaries produce higher than normal amounts of androgens, and this can interfere with egg development and release. I am not the only one in my family who has this syndrome. However, studies have not been able to conclude that it is hereditary. 

 The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder to have enlarged and containing small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary. I had ultra-sounds done while I was in high school and do, in fact, have cysts on my ovaries.

Some other conditions of PCOS are infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity. I only remember having a handful of periods (while not on birth control) in my whole life. 

Sometime in my sophomore year my mom had a bunch of different tests done on me. It was then that I was diagnosed and was prescribed birth control to regulate my periods.

 Now this is embarrassing, but I have been having "excess" hair growth since I turned teen(around the same time I had my first period). Mostly on my legs and on my belly under my belly button. If I want perfectly smooth legs, I would have to shave twice a day. I have recently started to notice darker hair under my chin.

 I have been blessed beyond belief with absolutely no acne. Sure I get a zit or two, but never have I ever broken out with tons of them.

 I was also lucky in my younger and teenage life to have parents who liked to keep me active and showed me how to eat right. I'm not saying we were health nuts, but we ate better than most due to my moms PCOS and my dads high everything.

 Since I have moved out of my parents house (with all the yummy food and people who kept me healthy), no longer have my nanny gig, or work at the ice rink. I have gained enough weight to be considered obease.

 That is right, at 5 foot 4 inches the last time I was on a scale I weighed 175lbs.(Levi says I need to subtract a few lbs for my boobs, that always makes me laugh)  Now, I am trying to get more active and started to get back to a more "strict" diet. But it's hard when you don't have people around you to help keep you in line.  I am now  pre-diabetic.

When Levi and I got married I was still on the pill until after he graduated from bootcamp. This means that I have been off of it for a year almost to the day.(his grad date was 1-14-11) This also means that I have only had 1 period   off of the pill. 

Now some women out there would think "whoo-hoo! only 1 a year yippee!" But, by not having the monthly "cleanse" I am more likely prone to blood clots.

Also it kinda puts a damper on the whole baby making thing. Some people will say I am still too young to be thinking about baby making, sure maybe I am a little at 20, but I have always wanted to be a younger mom. I grew up with young parents and loved the fact that they were always there and could participate in everything I was doing. And I want my parents to be able to keep up with my kids.  Also, I know that it could take years to get pregnant. My mother had me at 16. Then it took her 7 years to conceive my brother and she ended up needing "help" with that. 

So in December I had a ton of test done to my blood, all supporting the fact that I do indeed have PCOS. An then at the beginning of this month, I went to see an OBGYN. She told me that it would be stupid to wait if I was ready to have a baby. She gave me a Rx for Provera and Clomid. The Provera forces my body to have a period. The Clomid forces my body to ovulate. Now that might seem to be a pretty easy equation to make a baby, but there is so much more that goes on and I don't really understand all of it. I do know that in April, if I have not yet gotten pregnant, I will be going in for more test to make sure its not just the PCOS that is keeping me from conciving. And at that point, Levi will also have to have testing done to make sure he is not the issue. I have to take Provera for 10 day ( I only have 2 days left of this and have every side effect listed.) Then wait for Aunt Flow which could take up to two weeks to show. On cycle days 5-9 I take the clomid. On day 21 I have to go have blood drawn. Then I wait to see if I have another period. 

So now it is all out there for everyone to see. We have just started our journey that soo many couples have been on before us. I have no idea why I needed to write this. I have never planned to share things like this on our blog, I don't even know how many people read it. But maybe someone out there needs to see it.  

Bring on the new year.

Here it is New Years Eve. It's 11 in the morning and I am still in bed. (don't judge) I'm looking back on the year and cannot believe how fast it has gone by. This time last year I was in a truck making a cross country move to Gulfport MS.

Last January I traveled with my in-laws to Kansas City MO to meet Levis side of the family for the first time, (without him). Then we drove up to Chicago to see him graduate from bootcamp.

 In February I went on a two week vacation with my Grandma, Grandpa and my brothers to Florida to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Grandma Wharton and I then drove down to Ft. Pierce to visit her Uncle and Aunt.

 I flew up to to Chicago in March to visit Levi for his Birthday.
In April I also went to visit Levi.
At the end of May I flew back to San Diego to have a nice long summer. I went to THPOE ( the happiest place on earth) at least 4 times with some of the best people in my life.

In June Levi's Grandma Fern passed away. We were unable to make it to her funeral, but I am so glad that I was able to meet her that winter. Levi was able to come to San Diego before he checked into his first duty station at Quantico VA.
The very first weekend in July I helped my parents move from the house of my high school years to a house in Coronado on the Strand.

My aunt Kelsey gave birth to the youngest of the "Torrey" cousins.

Mom Cody and I took the train from San Diego to Portland. That was a fun experience and I encourage everyone to at least take the train once in their lives.

The day after the train got in, Grandpa Wharton took us to see the last Harry Potter. I cried, it seemed fitting that the book's movie that I had literally grown up with come to its conclusions in my last year of teenagehood. I know that by that point in time I had almost been married for a full year, but it just really hit home that my childhood was over.  We also celebrated my Great grandma and grandpas 60th wedding anniversary and our wedding in general (since it was so small).

Also in July we had the Smith Family Reunion. The Torreys had the largest number of people in attendance. I guess thats what happens when you have 7 kids with 6 of them married and 15 grandchildren 1 of which is married.  Man July was a BUSY month

We had one day with all 15 grandkids together in August . No that is not the best, but it makes me laugh. I flew out on the 4th to Virginia to finally see my husband and the puppy he had bought in the summer. 

We then took a trip to Gulfport to pick up our things 

For our anniversary we decided to buy a Ford Escape. That drive to gulfport in the tacoma was brutal.

Sometime in September we went to DC for my first time

in october we went to a renaissance fair

also in october we moved onto base and got Titus a brother. 

In November we drove down to Gulfport again, This time we got to see two of our good friends. Jon is in Pensacol for school and Ciara was there for thanksgiving. We forced them to come over to Levi's parents house 

while C was visiting, Jon proposed, Congratulations!!!! 

And now at the end of the year we drove to Kansas City for Christmas. Im not sure how I don't have any pictures, Levi had his camera out all the time. I'll have to do an actual Christmas post.

So at the end of this year I have been in 24 states, on 4 more than a thousand mile road trips (although I think one should count as 3) 

6 different airport drop offs.  1 train, 1 metro and I have millions of memories. I hope next year will be just as much as an adventure. I mean your only 20 once right? 

(and now it is 12:28 and I am still in bed ;] )